For years I’ve learned to admire you from afar
It didn’t make my feelings so deep
Nor did it get me any closer to you.
Though it has never bothered me
That with just simple stare you could make my day
Even if at night, I’d still only dream of kissing you.
But, just when I dared to be closer to you
The bubble that I’ve tried for so long to protect had burst
Reality came crashing in and it dawned on me that you never really looked my way.
I should have listened to what they all said
That what you don’t know won’t hurt you
And now the knowledge that you’re in love with someone else is a burden in my heart that I’ll always have to carry.
When I pass by
No one ever looks
No one ever calls my name.
It was all okay
I didn’t feel blue
I didn’t expect anything else to be so.
When I pass by with her
Everyone calls her name.
And I can’t help but feel
Though with not so much cheer
That I’m not okay after all.
While wearing this pretty dress
With my hair done and my face made up
I was astonished in what I saw in the mirror.
I didn’t look like me
It was both scary and exciting at the same time
And then I saw you coming my way.
It made me happy that you’ll see a different side of me
So, I showed you my best smile
Because I knew that you were staring.
But, it was neither the dress nor the make-up
That made me feel that I was beautiful
It was the knowledge that you’re looking at me and only me.
The start of a new romance will make you feel glee
Suddenly everything around you becomes beautiful
Like your eyes can see every inch and every fiber
And you look forward to each day that the sun rises.
You didn’t even know when exactly it started
Maybe it was his smile that made you fall apart
Or the questions he asked that made your head hurt
Even if he didn’t really need the answer.
You dream of him in day and at night
And you start to think that you’re falling
But, does your feelings contain as much promise?
Or are you just desperate to fall in love?
“I’m not sure.” “I highly doubt that.” “I don’t think so.”
I say these phrases to myself about 30 times a day and it’s severely affecting my life these days. It happened to me while taking a test and I ended up failing it because I’m not sure that I can get the answers right. I’ve been distancing myself from this boy who I’ve had a crush for years because I don’t think that he can ever like me, even though my bestfriends keep pointing out the signs that he does. I got placed as 2nd in our class but I can’t find myself to be happy about it because I don’t feel like I deserved it.
I know it’s normal to feel like this sometimes, but the thing is I can’t find any reason to be happy whenever something good happens to my life. I keep asking myself if I deserve it and I feel extremely guilty when someone I know could have gotten what I had and because of this, I knew that I’ve been doubting myself too much now.
But, how much is too much? I guess it’s when I find myself feeling happy when my crush is talking to me and after a few minutes I would tell myself that maybe he just needed something and not because he really wanted to talk to me and on and on it goes for a few hours of my judgment changing every minute. I guess it’s when I dismiss someone everytime they compliment my looks, talent or intelligence and tell myself that there’s something wrong with them for seeing something attractive in me. I guess it’s when I suddenly stop during random times of the day or find myself awake at night and ask myself if I could make it through life and be engulfed by this crippling fear that I won’t.
I know it seems silly, that I would let doubt take over my life like this. It’s not like I can help it though, I know I’m a person that can be good in a lot of things, but I’ve never been the best at something before and maybe it’s the reason why I don’t feel good enough most of the time.
But, I’m tired of feeling like this though, I realized at some point that I need to start believing in myself or I’ll never be truly happy with life. I can’t keep questioning every good thing that happens to me and I can’t keep worrying if I’ll ever get it right. It’s not something that can be cured overnight, but I’m willing to work on it day by day. I’ll start to look at my achievements with pride because I know that I got it because of hard work and not just by some dumb luck. “Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.” –Suzy Kassem
It has been the cliché of all the clichéd situations in life, where the man of your dreams is simply beyond your reach. No matter if it’s in the looks, intelligence or in the popularity department, you just always seem to lack compared to him and you can’t help feeling so crushed because you don’t seem to have any qualities that will make him notice you. But, is there really such a thing as someone being “out of our league?” So, I don’t suggest wallowing in your pity party forever and if you really want to take away that feeling of ineptness, you need to think hard and ask yourself if you’re putting yourself down for no reason.
First of all, you need to ask yourself if he’s worth it. You might be very well falling for some guy who is just all looks but has no personality. You need to get to know him first and you just might realize that he’s not really what you think he is. We get so caught up with our feelings sometimes that we don’t see what’s right in front of us.
He’s not perfect. No matter how many good things you hear about him, he’s only human just like you which means that he also have some insecurities, who doesn’t anyway? So, don’t go around thinking that you’re nothing compared to him. You might even find his imperfections to make you like him even more and he just might see beyond yours too, if only you would stop making your imperfections define you.
If you know you can do better, then do better. If you think that your hairstyle has been hiding your beautiful bone structure all these years, then make that trip to the salon or if you feel like wearing lipstick on some days, just go ahead and do it, after all it never hurts to put a little color in your face. Always show people the best version of yourself and you’ll be making heads turn when you pass by one of these days. You don’t have to do it all the time, especially if you’re not comfortable with it. Just make sure that you’re doing it for yourself too and not just so your crush will notice you.
Lastly, stop thinking he’s way out of your league. This kind of thinking just hurts your self esteem and prevents you from making any move, maybe it’s probably the reason why you’re not making any progress with your lovelife because you have already killed in your head whatever relationship that you could have with your crush because you think you’re so beneath him. Everyone has attractive qualities may it be beauty, talent or personality, so just focus on yours and you’ll be building up your confidence in no time. So, chin up and don’t let any kind of shallow mindset get in the way of what you want or who you want in this instance.