“I’m not sure.” “I highly doubt that.” “I don’t think so.”
I say these phrases to myself about 30 times a day and it’s severely affecting my life these days. It happened to me while taking a test and I ended up failing it because I’m not sure that I can get the answers right. I’ve been distancing myself from this boy who I’ve had a crush for years because I don’t think that he can ever like me, even though my bestfriends keep pointing out the signs that he does. I got placed as 2nd in our class but I can’t find myself to be happy about it because I don’t feel like I deserved it.
I know it’s normal to feel like this sometimes, but the thing is I can’t find any reason to be happy whenever something good happens to my life. I keep asking myself if I deserve it and I feel extremely guilty when someone I know could have gotten what I had and because of this, I knew that I’ve been doubting myself too much now.
But, how much is too much? I guess it’s when I find myself feeling happy when my crush is talking to me and after a few minutes I would tell myself that maybe he just needed something and not because he really wanted to talk to me and on and on it goes for a few hours of my judgment changing every minute. I guess it’s when I dismiss someone everytime they compliment my looks, talent or intelligence and tell myself that there’s something wrong with them for seeing something attractive in me. I guess it’s when I suddenly stop during random times of the day or find myself awake at night and ask myself if I could make it through life and be engulfed by this crippling fear that I won’t.
I know it seems silly, that I would let doubt take over my life like this. It’s not like I can help it though, I know I’m a person that can be good in a lot of things, but I’ve never been the best at something before and maybe it’s the reason why I don’t feel good enough most of the time.
But, I’m tired of feeling like this though, I realized at some point that I need to start believing in myself or I’ll never be truly happy with life. I can’t keep questioning every good thing that happens to me and I can’t keep worrying if I’ll ever get it right. It’s not something that can be cured overnight, but I’m willing to work on it day by day. I’ll start to look at my achievements with pride because I know that I got it because of hard work and not just by some dumb luck. “Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.” –Suzy Kassem
thycrimsoneyes 